Gentleman, gentlewomen, and everyone in between, I proclaim to you all that my team and I have made a new step towards advancing paleontological theories — beyond the stone and dirt we brush past, beyond the piles and piles of papers and folders, beyond the hours upon hours of looking at bones and rocks, we have discovered something that breaks normal conventions of the fossils we’re all familiar with.
We’re aware of the common ancestor chickens have. Yet, we have neglected to notice their distant relatives from the upper lands of America and Canada. These recently discovered dinosaurs share characteristics from three main animals: the Yak, the buffalo, and the groundhog — named Marmobosbufalusaurus. These dinosaurs contained small follicles at the tip of their skull, where deep strands of hair would protrude from, warming the head from intense cold. Their ribcages were wide, yet had a short stature, most likely for holding a small amount of fat to protect against the strong north winds. Now, the most peculiar part of the Marmobosbufalusaurus are their claws, which mimic those of groundhogs, allowing them to burrow underground for shelter. This ability to burrow underground makes up for the small stature of the Marmobosbufalusaurus, allowing them to carry enough fat to withstand the harsh cold just enough to hunt for food, then being able to burrow underground, creating an insulated shelter for them to live in.
Now, just like every great discovery, it was found by accident: Our team was searching for mammoth fossils near the Northern Canadian tundra, where we’ve happened upon a ribcage too small for a mammoth’s. We ended up searching in a 5 mile radius for more signs of this strange skeleton, finding the skull, then the claws, then the rest of the body. After confirming all the bones belonged to each other, we placed them together and measured the half-life of the chemical traces on each of the bones.
This new species of dinosaurs puts itself way further than the mammoths, past one million years ago. These were mostly docile, preferring to scavenge the remains of other unfortunate animals, or watching fights between larger, more dangerous creatures, feasting on the weak, injured winners or losers of these ancient fights.
We will be displaying this new fossil in the American Museum of Natural History in a few months, accompanied with talks with some of our own crew members for all those dinosaur and history fans out there!
